Friday, June 27, 2008

Summer is shaping up

I'm in! I finally heard from the Midwest Fiber and Folk Festival, and I will be a vendor there. Yipee! The festival is July 19-21 and I've got a lot of work to do between now and then.

I'm glad to be busy but its hard to balance all the knitting and jewelrymaking I need to do with my desire to get more exercise and lose weight this summer. They are counterproductive activities. I finally lost a total of 2 pounds! I've got to remember to keep my eye on the prize, stay encouraged. Good things are happening after all. It looks like summer is shaping up.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

The Big Question

I have been off from school for 2 weeks and 2 days now and I am really missing the children. It looks like the summer school classes that I offered to teach didn't fill, so I will have a long lonely summer.

I don't have any children of my own, but working in a grade school these last 3 years has filled a need I didn't realize I had. It has been a mixed blessing though. Working with children has brought me joy and job satisfaction, but it has made me confront "the big question." That big question is a running dialog that I have had with myself for as long as I can remember. It goes something like this, "What is the meaning of life? How will I contribute to the world? Who am I? Do I have enough confidence in myself to achieve my goals? Am I doing the right thing? Will I die without regrets? Will I die loved?"

I once thought I had "the big answer" to "the big question." "The meaning to life," I remember telling my philosophizing college friends, "is that everyone wants to love and be loved." Yet, I struggled to find love long after my college days were over. When I finally met my husband, I had just turned 29 and he was 37. He was a single dad, funny, kind, and spiritual. There was just one thing. "I don't want to have any more children," he warned me. "I'm too old, I don't want to start over." For my part, I wasn't so sure about being a mother anyway. I had very little experience with young children. I had only babysat a few times in my life, and those occassions had seemed neither successful nor enjoyable. I was very concerned about what kind of a mother I might be. My own mother suffered from severe depression, and we kids were often neglected. Would I be the same?

Yogaman and I married, and I kept putting the question of children on the backburner. Interestingly though, my subconscious kept bringing it up. As I approached my 40th birthday, I began to knit more. Under the pretext of doing a fundraising craft fair for my women's club, I made 15 baby outfits in one year, pouring my creativity and repressed mothering instincts into each one. I can't say that I felt an urgent need or desire to have children, but I knew the question was there. I was just afraid to voice it out loud.

For some reason, I had always thought that 43 was the age at which one must have or not have children. When I was 43, I finally decided that I had decided not to have children by not deciding. I recall a discussion with my friend Linda, who was one of my few friends brave enough to ask me the big question directly. I told her the truth. If Yogaman, had wanted to, I would have wanted. But I did not have enough confidence in myself, and now, I wasn't sure I had the energy.

Having felt that I had finally made a decision, I started to talk more openly with Yogaman about my struggles with childlessness. Not to convince him of a different choice, just seeking acknowledgment of my sacrifice. I told him I needed to be creative, and he was supportive when I decided to quit a lucrative job so that I could pursue a knitting business. I started Knitter's Journey as a craft business, and started to look for part-time work to supplement it. That's when I saw the ad for my job at the school.

Every day of my job I smile and laugh over some little thing that the children do. How could I not have known how sweet children can be? Now when I start to play the dialog in my head, I know the answers. Everyone wants to love and be loved. Children bring love.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Hey! I'm working here!

Yahoo! Yahoo! Yahoo! I'm going to be a vendor at Stitches Midwest, and I'm pleased that I will have a spot next to my friend and mentor Cheryl Oberle. I also booked a gig to teach knitting with wire at French Knots II, and I am waiting with baited breath to find out if I will be a vendor at the Midwest Fiber and Folk Festival.

My Knitter's Journey Knit with Wire kits are a part-time business for me, and I didn't put as much effort into it during the school year as I should have, so I'm pleased that with just a little effort I've got some business. I have got to turn my website into a true store though. Right now it lets people know I exist, but it doesn't make sales.

I "worked" on my business this week by designing a new pattern. It's not quite ready for publication, but I'm loving it. I couldn't put my knitting down. Yogaman can't understand how I can have off all day (school's out) and not get around to mowing the lawn, cleaning the cat box, painting the garage, etc., etc., etc. I have been accused of playing, and I'm afraid I have to plead guilty. Knitting in the sun, too much fun!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Sex in the City, Socks in the Suburbs

Once again, apologies for the blogging hiatus. Where was I? Finishing the school year, reading my first book of the summer, knitting a baby shower gift in 24 hours, designing a new pattern, enjoying my lovely backyard, and generally engaging in hedonistic pleasures.

Yogaman and I went to see Sex in the City last week. It was an interesting experience. We entered the theatre as virgins. We don't have cable and had never seen the show before. We were a bit surprised by how much sex there was in Sex, but I have to say, we both enjoyed it. Although I would rate it as an average movie, I was surprised at how much discussion it generated between us. We kept talking about the movie and re-hashing the story line for two days. It brought up lots of questions about our relationship, our past relationships, our friends' relationships, and men vs. women, cats vs. dogs, Mars vs. Venus.

Then Yogaman decided to bring home DVDs from the series. We became addicted to Sex. We watched one episode after another every night. Yogaman fired questions at me. Is that what it's like when you get together with the knitting ladies? What do you talk about? While I can't say we don't occassionally discuss the love lives of knitter A or knitter B, I'm afraid my knitting friends and I talk more socks than sex. Footwear fetish? We're talking merino, not Manolo. We do occassionally go orgasmic over a gorgeous handpaint and the latest fashions, but we've got nothing on Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte. I didn't tell Yogaman that though. Taking a cue from Carrie and company, I think I'll string him along for awhile.